Tuesday 20 October 2015

I've Got A Terrible Feeling Everything's Coming My Way...

~ Author's Note:

I'm sorry for being away so long! I have no decent excuses - blogging takes up a lot of time, and as soon as you fall out of a writing pattern it becomes very difficult to pick it up again. However, I still very much want to tell this story, so I'll be hopefully back to posting once a week - maaaybe increasing to twice if I can write fast enough. I'm also changing to an offshore rotation for the next year, so hopefully that means lots of writing time in the evenings stuck in the middle of the sea! For the moment anyway - enjoy the latest post... ~

I forced myself to keep smiling, even as it felt like my heart was about to burst out of my chest with panic. All the guilt that I thought I was over rushed back, threatening to overwhelm me as I stared into the face of the last person I wanted to meet.

However, even as most of my brain remained paralysed, a small part was dispassionately taking notes from the back. Frankie was... well, plain. And apparently shy, and quiet, as I managed to exchange the basic pleasantries. All in all, from my first impressions, she was not at all who I expected Bob to be with. He was so charismatic, and loud, and full of life - and she was... mousy.

It just made it worse. I had imagined a gorgeous, vibrant, sassy rugby player who had charmed Bob from the pitch as he coached their team. That, I could have dealt with. With that, I could have understood his devotion to her, his determination to make long-distance work. That, I could have used to finally, finally get over him.

But this? He'd chosen to stay with this over me?

A wave of horror ran through me, breaking me out of my thoughts. Who did I think I was, judging this poor girl on thirty seconds of conversation? What right did that give me to think I was any better than her? I knew nothing of their four year relationship, of what they'd been through together, of what experiences and laughter and love kept them together.

At least she had an honest claim to him.

Feeling sick to my stomach, I sat back down and buried myself in work, trying to pull together hydrocyclone calculations for the group project. A while later, I glanced up and Ray caught my eye. As he gave me a sympathetic smile I felt my self-control begin to crumble, pathetic under even the slightest ounce of pity. Shaking my head at him desperately, he picked up the hint and quickly engaged me in an explanation of his working for our economics essay, giving me time to pull myself together. I gradually started asking questions, engaging more in the discussion, until I felt calm again - or at least as calm as I could be when this tired, hungover and stressed.

A buzzing from my phone distracted me. Picking it up, I saw a message from Peter:

Did you know Alyssa has a boyfriend?!

I perked up immediately. Had she finally opened up about the mysterious engineer she'd been dating? Did we have a name?!

Don't tell me it's engineer dude! Are they official? Since when?

Engineer dude? Wait, how did you know about him? No one tells me anything!

I frowned at my phone.

'Nothing' - yet you still know about the relationship before I do? Spill your secrets and I'll spill mine!

I was completely engrossed in dissecting every tidbit of gossip between myself and Peter that I didn't hear Ethan yelling my name until he was right behind me,

"Jane, seriously! We have important issues here!"

I spun around quickly. "I'm so sorry, had family gossip to deal with - what can I help with? Is it the project - how are you getting on with the crystallisation research?"

He looked at me weirdly. "Uh, no. I'm having a Sporcle quiz break. Far more importantly - which musical does 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning' come from?"

"Oklahoma!" I smiled, then realised a second voice had chimed in with me. Looking over, I saw Frankie had answered too.

"Oh, you know it?" She smiled shyly over at me.

"Um, yes, I saw a student show version of it recently... it was awful though, definitely not one of the better classic musicals."

"Oh, really? It's my favourite!"

"Ah, sorry, I didn't mean - it was probably just the student version -"

Ray non-so-subtly kicked me from behind. "You, hole, spade, you moron."

I blushed scarlet and quickly turned back to my seat. "Please, just let it end..." I moaned quietly to Ray, wishing I'd just stayed in bed that morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally made it home after ten, having stayed in the labs far later than everyone else. I couldn't face going home to my new flat to just sit with my thoughts. Frustratingly, I hadn't even been that productive, getting stuck going round in circles on my project research. I was going to have to work a fair amount this weekend to keep up with my study plan.

My phone buzzed as I made it to the top of the stair. Puffing slightly, I glanced at the screen: Ian? What did he want at this time? Probably something to do with the project, but my brain was too fried to cope with anything complicated.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Hi, Jane..." I immediately tensed at his tone - he sounded like he'd been run over by a bus and dragged around half of Edinburgh.

"Ian, are you OK? What's happened?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry. Well... actually, I'm not fine. But I'm not hurt badly or anything..."

"Just tell me, what happened?"

"My flatmate opened a door into my face."

I had to hold down a burst of completely inappropriate laughter.

"Ouch, I mean, that's not good!"

"No, not really... and I'm just back from the hospital, and I have concussion."

"Oh no... That's awful. How long for? Is that why you called - do you want me to cover your work for the project next week?" I winced even as I offered - I was barely coping with my workload, never mind someone else's. It wasn't his fault at all though, and I knew no one else would get it done, so I figured I could shoulder the extra work for the next few days.

"Well... that's the bad news. Apparently it's a very severe concussion. I'm not allowed to read for longer than ten minutes for at least the next two months, and potentially up to six months."

My stomach dropped. That was Ian out of the project. That was my right hand man gone.

"Jane? I'm so sorry. I know what this means."

I snapped out of it. "Ian, it's not your fault. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. How will this affect your degree? And exams?"

"I have to speak to the head of department tomorrow, but they should be able to cover it with a medical exemption. I think they'll make special provisions so I only have to sit minimal exams in May, and then sit the rest in August once I can properly revise again."

"That's some relief then." My head was spinning, immediately trying to plan what I was going to do with the project first, prioritising the key tasks I'd given to Ian as well as mine.

"I'm sorry to cut this short... but I need to go and lie down. It's been a really long day."

"Oh, of course! And Ian - seriously, don't worry about it. I'll deal with the project. You just focus on getting better - and avoid those doors!"

He chuckled into the phone. "I will do. And... good luck, Jane."

"Thanks."

I shuffled into the kitchen and started throwing together a no-effort meal of pasta and pesto. There was so much to do. So much to think about. So much to research, and to write. All those process flow diagrams to design with a program I loathed, the whole reason I'd been delighted when Ian offered to take that job. A whole other nine people to keep motivated and working to get this project together - yet nine other people who were already overloaded with their own work, who I couldn't ask to do any more. This was meant to be the whole reason I'd taken extra classes before Christmas - so I could focus on the project. I just needed to focus...

My thought process was interrupted by the kitchen door opening, and for one brief, glorious moment I fully expected Dave to walk through the door. Dave would let me rant, and then he'd make some stupid joke and all the stress would flood away. Dave made everything better.

My third mysterious flatmate walked in and froze abruptly as he saw me, a look of panic on his face. I forced a smile and started asking how he was - only for him to about turn and all but run out of the room. I stood there, bowl in hand, trying to understand what I'd done to make him so uncomfortable, but all I could think about was how different this flat was already from my home with Dave. How empty this one was. How lonely it was.

Hot tears started streaking down my face. I just about made it to my room before I sank down onto the floor, head in my shoulders, as the floodgates opened. I missed not waking up every morning dreading the workload ahead. I missed actually getting sleep. I missed Dave, so, so much.

I missed what I would never, ever have with Bob. I missed the easy, simple friendship we'd never had.

I cried out the stress, the hurt, the pain, the guilt, until nothing was left except exhaustion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, curled up in my mountain of blankets and pillows, I finally felt like myself again. I'd decided that I was letting myself have a lie in - for one, if I got up at my usual time I'd be good for nothing all day, and two, I deserved a treat before the madness hit.

I scrolled through my emails, clearing all the junk out. Reaching a promotion from match.com, I mindlessly reached to press delete, but something made me pause.

I'd said I was going to get over Bob, right? Properly, this time.

And I'd tried it the 'usual' student way, but the whole drunk pulling thing hadn't worked for me. And if I was honest... I couldn't see it working. I just didn't like clubbing, or even really drinking if I was completely honest.

But this. This was getting to know people first, being able to set my own standards, figuring out what I did like. And with the initial six month promotion, it wasn't even too expensive. The idea sparked and took light, brightening the more I thought about it. Say I gave myself six months - in which to learn more about myself, put myself out there - and actually put some action behind my promise to move on. Even if it didn't work, I wouldn't be any worse off than I was right now.

Heart quickening, not quite believing I was going to do this, I pressed 'register',



2 comments:

  1. So happy to have you back! Love your writing and love the story. Thanks for posting!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay! Excited to see what's in store

    ReplyDelete